Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
