Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
