A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
zippers are such a cool invention
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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