You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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