I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
