Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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