I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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