Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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