The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
