I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
