Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
