Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I stole a fireplace last night.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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