What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
