quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
