Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
