Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
So here I am, sexting at work.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
