the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
