i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
