my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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