I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
