I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
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