Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
