Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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