Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
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Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
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I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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