Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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