After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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