So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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