there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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