Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I believe in your delicious
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
