So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
