Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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