I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Damn victory sex feels great
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
