I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
We are two peas in an std pod
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
