loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
