I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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