i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
