dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
