theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
