I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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