I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
