Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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