I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
