i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
