Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
