There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
