It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
