I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
