i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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