I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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