dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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