i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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