WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
