I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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