Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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