Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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