he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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